The Wolf

After my separation from my husband I lost so much of my confidence, from how I looked, the person that I was, my worthiness to the decisions that I made and had to make.

My decision to travel solo to Bali helped build it back up but I was still full of a lot of anxiety and spent most days feeling like I was living on a wire.

I made steps to move my life forward but a lot of them led to dead end paths, with some even feeling like they were pushing me backwards and erasing all the progress that I had made.

The winter months are particularly difficult as they include my wedding anniversary, Megan's birthday, Christmas, my sister's birthday and then the anniversary of Megan's death.

Come the end of January I was really struggling, I had made some poor judgement decisions in December and whilst I was still trying to figure things out I genuinely didn't know what my next step was.

Then in steps the Universe, and I was struck down with a really horrific case of sinusitis and a chest infection which made me ill for nearly two weeks. But upon reflection this illness allowed me to be still enough to hear my intuition and work through some more grief, limiting beliefs and repeated patterns.

As I began to feel better I had a deep desire to go back to the coast for a few days, and even though I tried to talk myself out of it thinking that I might not be well enough and that I should catch up on work, I knew that it was something I needed to do.

I unloaded the car when I arrived at the Airbnb and Herbie and I headed straight to the cliff and the beach for our usual walk that we had done hundreds of times.

The moment that I stood on that cliff I knew that I was home. Fighting back happy tears I recorded a voice note to two of my best friends feeling so incredibly thankful that I was back there and explaining that I didn't know how to make it happen or how it would work and fit into my lifestyle but I had to move back there.

I knew in my heart that I was meant to live there.

I found a house online that was available to rent and would allow me to walk to the cliff and the beach in less than 5 minutes, and I knew that this was the one for me.

It took over two weeks before I could view it and when I finally got a viewing date I started to worry about

• Putting roots down

• Tying myself into something that I couldn't get out of.

• Being trapped.

• It didn't look like a good idea on paper due to being away from everyone I knew and my workplace.

I had been in a mindset that I wouldn't make anymore decisions because they weren't ending well and so now that this move might actually become a reality was scaring me. I knew I wanted it but I was full of fear.

So driving that night I asked the Universe and Megan for a sign. I asked them to show me a wolf if I was meant to live in that house, and this is where the magic started.

The following day one of my best friends sent me a message to say that she was visiting Wild Ireland and that she was excited to see the bears and wolves. (Sign 1)

The day following that me and one of my best friends were having a cuppa in her living room and her sister sent her a message to say that she was going on a wolf experience with her partner in the Lake District. (Sign 2)

I viewed the house two days later feeling really confident that the house was the one for me because of the signs that I had received, however the listing was removed and I had no communication as to what had happened.

I had a real crisis of faith at this point. I had believed that the house was the one for me because of the deep knowing that I thought I had felt and the fact that I received the signs and so I couldn't understand why it had been removed.

I am very lucky that I had some amazing friends holding me up at this point as I was not in a good headspace and I felt emotionally and mentally broken. I questioned my ability to read my internal nudges, to read my intuition, to make decisions and whether Megan was still around me.

The estate agent explained that there had been a lot of applications and so the landlord had removed the listing and was deciding who he wanted to live in the property. It was at this point that I surrendered. I didn't chase it from that point and decided that if it was meant for me then I would get it.

However, the signs of the wolf did not stop. In the space of a week I received five more signs:

• My fitness coach and friend pulled an oracle card with a wolf on it and sent it through to me. (Sign 3)

• At my yoga teacher training the trainer spoke about how she visioned something and it was always a white wolf in a cave. (Sign 4)

• On the way to the second day of yoga teacher training a car pulled in front of me with the following on their reg plate WLF. (Sign 5)

• The first post on my Instagram feed on the Monday morning was an account that I followed sharing a post with the following in it 'Not A Wolf' and @SickOfWolves. (Sign 6)

• In my yoga training WhatsApp group one of the women shared a poem that had the line 'does a wolf know how beautiful she is when she sleeps'. (Sign 7)

One week after viewing the house I received the call from the estate agent to say that I had been picked and could we organise a moving date.

When I had continued to receive signs I was struggling to believe them because I was scared to and as much as I dislike admitting to it as I write this, I had lost a bit of faith. But one night during this week of signs and surrendering a registration on a car passed me with MEG on it and I knew it was her trying to tell me that she hadn't abandoned me.

On the day that I got the keys to the house, I again had a small panic moment and so I asked Megan for a sign that I was doing the right thing, as well as apologising for being a giant pain in the arse, because clearly seven signs of wolf were not enough.

Within ten minutes my dear friend Andy sent me a photo of a piece of art in York that featured a blonde haired girl walking past a field of sunflowers (Megan's usual sign). He was in an art shop in York and had seen it and felt compelled to send it to me.

That was my sign from Megan and it was all I needed to lean into the fear and trust.

Our loved ones are never gone, they just need the opportunity to be able to communicate with us and for us to be willing to see, hear and feel the signs that they send.

So ask for a sign and stay open to receiving it. Please do share your stories with me as I would love to hear about them.