Birthdays, Christmas, New Year, and anniversaries hold a special place for me as they serve as reference points in my life. I use these occasions to reflect on the time that has passed and compare who I was then to who I am now.
What have I learnt in the 12 months?
What has been the highlight and what has been the challenge?
What am I most grateful for?
What, if anything, would I do differently?
Anniversaries of a loved one's death are no different, if anything they are stronger as they can bring a lot of the past to the surface and it can feel like you are relieving the moments again.
It's been three years since Megan passed away, and this is the first year I wasn't overly stimulated and distracted. This allowed me to feel a lot of emotions in February as I replayed my last interactions with her from February 2022.
While I've spent time reflecting on those final moments with her; what I said, what we did, how it felt, what she said to me, and re-reading text messages; I've also contemplated my journey over the three years she's been gone.
The version of me in February 2022, had no idea what changes were about to come in the following month and subsequently the years to come. Her family was whole, she was married, she had a beautiful home, a thriving career and plans for the future.
However, everything shifted on February 28th when Megan passed away, triggering a domino effect for me that began on that day. By February 2024, Megan was gone, I was divorced, my home was sold, I lacked a stable foundation, and I no longer worked at the Trust.
In a brief span, I lost so much, and the indescribable pain of it all affected my sense of safety and stability in the world. I am not afraid to admit that there were some extremely dark moments during those three years, marking the most painful period of my life. However, amidst the darkness and pain, there were also many moments of light, and I've been blessed to experience some beautiful and unique times.
I have gained qualifications in hypnotherapy, breathwork, coaching, cacao facilitation and yoga.
I travelled to Bali solo.
I started my own business.
I started caring for my physical body and changing my mindset and released a lot of pain through breath, movement and spirituality.
I have lived by the sea and experienced some of the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets on the beach.
I have made some incredible and special connections with people through retreats, training and serendipitous encounters.
I have met the most incredible man.
I am closer than ever to my family.
I am more connected to God and the Universe than ever before.
March the 1st 2022, is the day we all learned of her passing, and it's the day I remember most vividly; I truly felt my heart shatter.
A few weeks ago, I spent time with my best friend, and we talked about Megan and that terrible day because she said she'd never forget the voice note I sent her. I don't recall sending a voice note, but I checked our messages, and there it was, and so I played it and listened to myself from three years ago. I was so devastated and in such shock and disbelief that hearing it breaks my heart all over again.
That day was one of the worst days of my life and I didn't know if I would ever feel real joy on that date again. However three years on and I have.
I spent Friday with my family, feeling closer to them than ever, and then enjoyed the weekend with the man I deeply love, creating memories, feeling cherished and secure, and being immensely thankful that Megan led me to him (that's a story for another time). To add to the weekend's magic, during my journey to meet him, I saw three registrations with the word MEG, which I believe is her way of showing she's still with me.
I still feel deep pain and compassion for who I was in March 2022, and I wish I could hug her tightly and reassure her that she will endure and evolve from this pain, that she will transform this pain into a means to help others and will experience joy again. But the uncertainty of how things will unfold and the decision to persevere are part of the tapestry of life.
So if you are grieving any type of loss and feel adrift, I want you to know that joy does return, healing can happen, safety can be felt again and beautiful things will still happen to you. Being willing to feel and process the pain, the grief and fear is necessary and how I began my journey.
I've mentioned on my podcast that it's not time itself that heals, but rather how you choose to spend that time which aids in healing your heart and soul.
I frequently come across the quote 'I had no choice but to carry on,' and I strongly disagree with it. Everyone has the choice to either give up or continue. If you decide to keep going, you deserve recognition and praise for the strength it required, instead of viewing it as something you did without agency.
Three years have passed, and I miss Megan just as much as when it first happened. However, I've learned to carry the longing and pain, recognising it as the cost of love and I keep moving forward, even on the tough days.
If you need any help with your grief then please do reach out to me, you don't need to handle with this on your own.
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